Soul Searchers

There are a good many of us soul searchers in our 30’s. My guess is that few of us thought we’d be there by now. At 21 we had it all. figured. out. Career plans. Family plans. Retirement plans (at least we thought about opening retirement accounts). All the plans intersected at 30, the point at which we would have all our plans realized and be on the smooth path towards a life lived well.

I’m 33 and I had Nutella straight out of the jar with a spoon for breakfast yesterday. I have not figured it all out. I will, with cautious optimism, say that I have about 30% figured out, with the remaining 70% residing between cluelessness and I’ll figure it out….later. Furthermore, I have no magic intersection age at which I plan to have the other 70% worked out. Certainly not 40, that’s in seven short years, and I’ve noticed the older I get the faster time goes, so seven years is practically the blink of an eye. If I was still 21, this lack of urgency and certainly would cause me great mental anguish and probably constipation. Lucky for me and my bowels, I am 33 and fully embrace my place. I am a soul searcher in my 30’s, and like I said, I have it on good authority there are many of us yet out there.

Make no mistake though- we are not a type. We are not all married or single, childless or with child(ren). Employed, unemployed, gay, straight or bi. Just because I fake tan doesn’t mean I’m lost. I just might like not being pale all the time. Just because I am single doesn’t mean I am looking and just because I am married doesn’t mean I’ve settled. There’s just something about being more seasoned that gives one the permission to be untethered. Experience forgives us if we choose not to commit to a certain course of action, or to change direction if the wind moves us. At 21, an uncertain future was the enemy. Now, I feel that an uncertain future is merely a blank page, with endless possibility. Perhaps the page will be filled with words of sorrow, or colors dark and boding. But with any luck, there will be another blank page after that, and another after that. A life long lived is a book full of all the colors and stories, fantastic and woeful. Why, at 21, in the very beginning, was I so eager to have my book already written?

My fellow 30’s soul searchers, hold your Nutella jars up high with pride! We are in the zone! Tethered by our past choices yet with a long untethered life before us- there are many pages of our books still unwritten. Embrace your search, with all it’s colors. Yes, we have more responsibilities now, and yes, adulting often sucks. But, the search is on, and there is so much yet to come. So much yet to discover and embrace. So much to figure out, or to leave for another time….later. Embrace your search in all it’s uncertainly, and give zero fucks about what you eat for breakfast.