Letters Unsent

Dear Blog,

I promised I would not use you for the powers of evil. I meant it. I really did. But tonight, I have had just enough wine that my need to over share is just too much for me to contain. I have some letters to write, some things to get off my chest. I am sorry to use you to this end, but I really have no choice. The power of the vino compels me.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Please stop hanging out on your front porch so much. I have to drive by your house EVERY F-ING DAY, and seeing you have fun without me is really impeding my healing process. It's irrational, but all your porch loitering makes me feel like you don't give a shit. Throw me a bone, please?

Dear Disposable Income,

Why do I spend you on wine and fried food? I should spend you on paying off my car and knee surgery. I hope you don't judge me for my misappropriations.

Dear Virginia Wine Industry,

You are a hot, hot gossipy mess. But I can't quit you. And I hope that you don't interfere with my pursuit of higher education. Because the lower education you have provided to me has been so awesome. Hot mess.

Dear Grad School,

Don't make me hate my life. I fear you, revere you and depend on you to complete me. Don't fail me. I have $20000 banking on you.

Dear Promissory Note,

You are the scariest 17 pages I have ever read. Please don't take my uterus if I don't pay back my loan..

Dear Poopie,

If you were here right now, you would highly discourage this post. And I would ignore your warnings, but wish I listened to you after the fact. This is why you are my best friend.

Dear Leprechaun,

Thank you for letting me be in your wedding. I have not been so proud and excited in years. I love you.

Dear Roommates,

You are a consistently positive influence on my life. I am extremely grateful for you all.

Dear Preston Ave,

The cycle for your traffic lights is senseless and dangerous. Get your shit together, stat. Thank you.

Dear Women Who Don't Like Red Wine,

I judge you. We can't be friends.

Dear Band,

I live for our trips. You really don't know how much of my happiness you are responsible for.

Dear Friend who I never dated but should have,

I am sorry I drunkenly told you I never dated you but should have. I am too old for that sort of behavior and I am sorry. We had our chance and I should have left my hope behind a long time ago.

Dear Hetero,

You complete me. Who needs a therapist when I have you? I was serious when I said we should vacation in CA. That would be epic. On an unrelated note, I'm still sorry I never married your brother.

Dear Daniel,

I am so sorry I fail at calling. It's not because I don't want to talk, it's because I literally suck at calling.

Dear Mom & Dad,

You really did a good job as parents. You're still doing a great job. I'm sorry you didn't work out. I really am.

Dear my Martin Guitar,

I am so, so sorry I never learned to play you. It was my loss, I swear.

Dear Teach For America,

I am sorry I rebuked you three times. I think you are a great cause, you just weren't the cause for me. I'm sorry it took me three deferrals to realize it.

Dear my old landlord,

I can't really talk about how I feel about you because we are in a pending lawsuit, but check back in a few months and I'll have a nice little diatribe for your reading pleasure.

Dear morning,

You always come too soon. There are so many mornings I wish would have never come and those I wish would dawn twice. I'll never understand you. Even if I get a coffee maker, you will never cease to rile me.

Dear my Louisa Students,

I think about you all everyday. In fact, the only time I pray is when I pray for your happiness and personal success. You meant more to me than I could ever express.

Dear God,

I'm sorry I pray so irregularly. And overindulge in wine and fried food. And doubt everything I was ever taught in bible school. I hope you pull me back into your fold one day. I hope it's okay that one day isn't today.

Be Well,

Tracey

Excerpt from my CA vacation, written on the plane....

....When you fly west in the United States, you get three hours of sunset if you time it right. And if you fly Virgin Air, you can get a huge airplane bottle of Absinthe, too. One bottle in, I'm feeling particularly contented with myself, nestled happily in my leather seat with my on demand music videos and mood lighting. Even the baby behind me and the guy next to me with a cold cannot interfere with the level of contentment I am experiencing right now. In fact, I am so compelled by my contentment that I am writing about it in the back of the novel I am reading...or not reading at the moment, as it were.

Here's the situation as I see it. Contentment- true, internal contentment- really has nothing to do with the three hour sunsets and large quantities of quality liquor. These things just made me realize the full extent of how at peace I am becoming with my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I still bitch plenty and have days where the only peace in my life is the huge piece of pie that I am eating. But through all the work and relationship trials, the bills, the dirty kitchen, and the insane traffic situation on Preston Ave, I am growing this patch of calm in my soul that is really a stabilizing force for me right now. I feel that, just maybe, true contentment may be beginning to harbour inside me, and though it's dock is small right now, the sea around it is slowly growing quieter. I'm learning that contentment isn't a physical place- not some vacation I can get to, or safty in the arms of someone else. Contentment is something I must work for, something that grows both slowly and quietly, and must constantly be cultivated, especially in life's most harried moments. Contentment is the deep understanding and appreciation that we are all blessed, even in the darkest of times. Contentment is a walk, a long one....a lifelong one. It's what we all strive for- not the money, the prestige, the love- it's all just contentment. And it's a beautiful moment when we suddenly stop and realize the extent of out contentment, whether that extent is limited to a moment, or a year, or a lifetime.

My contentment? It's fleeting, sure. My contentment is in the seedling levels of it's cultivation. But the sun is finally setting, the guy with the cold and the baby are both sleeping, and my best friend sitting next to me just reminded me that it's time for another Absinthe and Sprite. It's going to be a good flight....