This afternoon was downright hilarious. I got home and as per usual the bunny's cage smelt disgusting. Andrew (my roommate) is constantly flabbergasted at the fact that I am consistently surprised by the fact that the bunny smells. "All he does is shit, eat and hump," Andrew says. Well, I think the bunny also provides me with unconditional love and a cuddle whenever I need it, two things that I cannot say that Andrew helps me with. Actually, it's Andrew's fault that this afternoon was so hilarious. So anyways, I got home and cleaned the bunny cage. While cleaning the cage, i realized that the grass had gotten really long. And here is where Andrew comes in. You see, we are responsible for mowing the grass at our house. My dad bought us a lawnmower back in July and I made the mistake then of being the first person to mow the lawn. Well, silly me. I should have assumed that because I was the first person to mow the lawn, that my roommates would therefore assume that it was my SOLE responsibility to mow the lawn. Forever.
Now, in any normal household, it would be the boys job. But no, not in our house. In our house, Andrew not only fails to provide me with unconditional love and cuddling, but he also scoffs at any mention of someone OTHER THAN ME mowing the lawn.
So, I mowed the lawn today while feeling unappreciated by all but the Bunny. My lovely gay retired nurse neighbor Jimmy came to the fence as I was finishing up for a chat and I shared with him another "man task" that Andrew had failed to accomplish- removing the gigantic spider from our front porch.
This spider is fucking ginormous. It was all leggy and black with yellow stripes. It had built the web to end all webs on the front porch, right next to the mailbox. In fact, none of us had gotten the mail in three days for fear of losing a hand to the monster spider. I told Andrew the spider must go. Andrew scoffed. I pleaded that it must be killed- if we spared its life it would undoubtedly come after us in our sleep and eat us whole. Andrew still scoffed. He scoffs a lot. I was sad. I wanted my mail. I wanted to live without fear of coming home and being eaten. I shared all this with Jimmy. Jimmy winked and told me to meet him on my porch in 5 minutes.
I met him on my lawn 5 minutes later. I refused to get near the porch. He brought some inspect killing spray and our other neighbor Maxine, the 75 year old lady next door who is way cool. Maxine took one look at the damn thing and said "Yep, Jimmy you're right. It's the biggest spider in the world." That comment made me fell vindicated for my fears. Jimmy took control. Max and I stood back and watched Jimmy spray the monster over and over and over again. It crawled about and swung and did all kinds of gross spidery things before falling to the porch and trying to skitter to safety. Jimmy deftly removed his shoe and stomped it. Suddenly, there was no spider- not on Jimmy's shoe or anywhere. Jimmy swore it was dead- he saw the body. But I was unconvinced. That thing was a monster- it may be like Voldemort; all it needs is a little bit of soul to regrow and become more evil and terrible than ever before.
Regardless of the fate of the monster spider, I am happy that I have a gay retired nurse neighbor to do the mans work around here. Oh and if you were wondering, Andrew was inside for the whole spider execution. Scoffing.
