2nd Honeymoon

I’ve been in the world long enough, and gone through enough break ups of my own to realize that every one is different. Some are worse than others, and there are even categories they might fall into that people can recognize and know, at least peripherally, what the breakuper is going through. When someone cheats, the breakup is often filled with anger, perhaps remorse on the part of the cheater. Ghosting, the most passive aggressive form of a break up, is just rude, so I am not going to talk about it. The mutual breakup seemed to me, before last month, the cleanest, prettiest breakup one could hope for. No hard feelings, no anger, no remorse and certainly not rude.

I am learning that the mutual breakup has it’s downsides. Indeed, there is no anger, but that means there is nothing to counteract my sadness. I feel my losses doubly, both because of my lack of anger as a counter balance, and because I am now sad thinking both of my good memories and the plans I had created that will never come to pass. I have entered a phase of almost a second honeymoon. The first honeymoon was the beginning of my relationship, when all was love and love was all. There was no bad, no friction, nothing to interfere with love and wanting and joy and hope for the future. Now, in my second honeymoon, the well thought out reasons for the breakup have vanished from my mind and have been replaced with all the good. Everything good that ever happened is all I can seem to remember. All the love, the wanting, the joy and the hope are there, on display, all of my waking hours. Yet, I am alone. Just me and my good memories and my sadness.

Just as I know the first honeymoon ended (and boy did it), I am sure this one will as well. A good friend said I should just start dating- force the inevitable to help me get over my sadness. I wish I could, but the memories have swallowed me. Truly, while I fake it pretty well, all I want to talk about is the memories. My love, my joy, my wanting and my hope. They are on the surface of everything I do. I cannot swim around or over them, as much as I would like to. I fear that going on a date, they would bubble up and out of my mouth and ruin all my chances for, whatever.

Thus, I need to sit it out. Wait for the bad and the angst that was also to finally resurface. The struggle will mix in with the joy and finally I will be able to see what I saw back then- love, but also suffering. Misunderstanding, difference like a gorge without a bridge to cross. There was a reason for this mutual break up after all, a crevice that could not be overcome. Eventually, it will come to pass that I will stand and walk forward once again. But for now I will continue to sit and wait and revel in my sadness. This honeymoon will pass, as they all do, and the real world will begin anew.